Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows
Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows '''is the last canon book in the Harry Potter series. Afterwards, Rowling makes the series a bunch of tripe. ' Plot Lord Voldemort is Michael Jackson (think about it he has a messed up face and he preys on minors). Harry gets captured and tortured by Christian fundamentallists. Possibly the most useful book of the series, as it provides vital information concerning how to deal with magic users. Face it, you're ''neither a wizard nor a witch, so info about how they cast magic isn't as useful as "how a direct hit at the face can prevent the wizard from casting a spell on you". The majority of book, however, mostly consists of violence and gory torture scenes as Harry is interrogated by none other than the great Jack Bauer, Witchfinder Generall. In few last chapters, Jesus himself appear as guest character, leading an army of the righteous in a crusade against all wizards, witches, squibs and innocent bystanders in funny hats, culminating in Harry's execution by hanging. In a postscript, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of the ghost of Rev. Billy Graham, the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry, Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest, Harry's money is seized by the Inland Revenue for payment of back taxes, and Dobby is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop. Every character that has ever appeared in any of the books, including J.K. Rowling, is killed (except James and Lily Potter). This is due to the fact that after the inquisition went back on their promise of amnesty for her in exchange for information, J. K. Rowling called Tyber Zann to stop them; Zann called for a massive bombardment of Earth by over 9000 Aggressor-class Destroyers, killing and/or destroying everything and everybody on, in or around the planet. Fun Facts *The publication of HPATDG has been dogged by controversy after Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger claimed that it was blatantly plagiarised from their 1487 work, the Malleus Maleficarum. However, Rowling's lawyers pointed out in court that having been dead for more than 500 years, the only way Kramer and Sprenger could bring a suit was by the involvement of necromancy, and the two were dragged off to the stake. * 2007 article in Shoujo Beat, a teen magazine, reported that Rowling had arrived on the sound of the title before deciding on the specific wording and plot. Alternatives batted about included: **''Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows'': Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a workhouse with lax safety standards, making bespoke monocles for gentlefolk. **''Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow'': Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin. **he article also went on to state that Daniel Radcliffe is "soooo hot". *Due to massive hype in Harry Potter and high expection in the last installment, Rowling decide to play safe and request Uwe Boll to direct the movie adaption. List of Characters Killed *'The Prime Minister' - Thrown out of the window by Kingsley Shacklebolt for reasons that still remain a mystery. This ignited the Muggle-Wizard war, in which 90% of us were killed. *'Ron Weasley' - Shot down by an RAF jet fighter while on Harry's Firebolt. Apparently he had stolen the broom and was trying to escape to France. *'Hermione Granger' - Gave herself up to the police at the beginning because she didn't want to be a troublemaker. She was burned at stake after a 5-minute trial found her guilty of witchcraft and drugs trafficking. *'Fred and George Weasley' - Killed in an unrelated gang shoot-out in Liverpool whilst fucking a load of French chicks. *'Cho Chang' - Tried to get Harry back after his defeat of her ex-lover, the shy and sexy Voldemort, but fell on her own plastic knife whilst trying to assasinate Ginny in her sleep. *'Remus Lupin' - Shot by a farmer while eating his sheep (not in werewolf form). *'Tonks' - Died of a feral mutated combination of rabies and AIDS that Lupin had been carrying. *'The Dursleys' - Killed by the police when their car refused to stop at a checkpoint 12 miles west of London. *'Arthur Weasley' - Killed by sarin gas pumped through the chimney whilst logging on to the Floo Network. *'Molly Weasley' - Locked away in the wizard prison of Afghanistan after using the word "bitch" in Book 7. There, she committed suicide after being gangraped by Bellatrix Lestrange and her gang, "The Cock-Eaters" *'Bill Weasley' - Shot 21 times while resisting arrest in Bristol after attempting to bite several officers. *'Fleur Delacour' - Actually Joan of Arc in disguise, she was seized by Muggles and burned at the stake. *'Viktor Krum' - Involved in a fly-by shooting. He was shot in the head by illegal Chinese immigrants. *'The Patil Twins' - What's that you say? India? You are saying they were killed by Arabs in India? *'Percy Weasley' - Died like Hermione, only cannibals would have preferred him boiled. *'Ginny Weasley' - Kidnapped by government agents in the hopes that they could lure Harry to her. When that didn't work, she was burned at stake. *'Argus Filch' - Assassinated when the MI-6 poisoned his flask. *'Hagrid' - Killed in a fight to the death with a cybernetically-enhanced Manticore, but not before tearing the monster clean in half and crushing its atomic power source with his bare hands. The resulting explosion leveled a block of cities. *'Severus Snape' - Killed by two drive by shootings that occurred twenty minutes apart, by two separate gangs. *'Kingsley Shacklebolt' - Took 50 people hostage in a train, demanding that the government remove it's troops from Afghanistan. He and 4 hostages were killed in the resulting SAS rescue mission. *'Draco Malfoy' - Killed along with his father, Lucius, and 100 other Death Eaters in a well-aimed artillery strike near Plymouth. *'Neville Longbottom' - Died during a firefight with the Royal Marines after he tried to blow up a barrack with matches, yarn, and Mrs. Norris. *'Luna Lovegood' - Eaten alive by a Crumple-Horned Snorkack (or so her father claimed). *'Dean Thomas' - His body was found in a dusty alleyway in Knightsbridge. He reportably was in the act of smuggling stolen North Korean nuclear warheads when a member of the Russian Mafia intercepted him, stabbing Dean thirty-seven times with a rusty icepick until he stopped moving. *'Dobby' - Fell into the burning lava of Mount Doom after snatching the Ring from Frodo. *'Mad-Eye Moody' - Suicide by slaughter-house machinery (while the poison took hold.) *'Cornelius Fudge' - After losing his job he was forced to live on the street. He died due to lack of sex. *'Gandalf' - Died after Just Kidding Rowling was forced to erase the character due to copyright infringements. He is most mourned of those who died in the book, though he can still be found in a little-known sequel written in China. *'Mike Myers' - Appendix ruptured after watching entertainment tonight (was only mentioned in an early draft of the book.) *'Lord Voldemort' - Was hit by a drunk driver repeatedly near Edinburgh and died several hours later. *'Bellatrix Lestrange' - Killed herself after realizing that Voldemort was never coming back from Edinburgh, only after knifing every mudblood in London. *'Narsissa Malfoy' - Went to Tokyo to try to ease relations with the Snake Goddess, but was killed by a group of angry geisha. She lived however, and today is very miserable. She still looks hot though. *'Prof. Minerva McGonagall' - Caught by Animal Protection Services while in cat form and left in the Pound. Eaten by the dogs she shared a cage with. *'Dimple Dolores' - Although she was killed in the fifth book, her grave was incinerated by a large, Korean A-bomb when Harry "accidentally" sent the Accio charm into a random direction. So technically, she died again. *'Harry Potter' - He attempted to escape to Algeria disguised as a nun but was recognized on the plane by Peter Pettigrew. He pushed Pettigrew off the plane but France scrambled fighters and forced his flight to land in Paris. The French were persuaded not to surrender to Harry immediately by the timely arrival of several U.S. infantry divisions. He was then arrested and extradited to the Hague. In the only significant surprise in the book, Harry is sentenced to death immediately and dies by hanging...........or did he????...........MWA HA HA HA HA HA *'Cthulhu' - Great Cthulhu dies of a heart blockage from eating so much fried fish and King Fish, in Louisville, KY. However, the narration claim he will return when "the stars are right". *'Dumbledore' - Died after a fifty-year battle with AIDS even after Snape killed him in the last book. *'The Inquisitorial Squad' - In the extended edition, it was revealed that they in fact were working for a massive galaxy-wide criminal organization, which was how they got their immunity to magic. However, they attempted to quit the organization, which promptly DESTROYED them with a MASSIVE cannon in space. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE. This led to the resurrection of their victims, which enabled the corporate conglomerate (actually the same criminal organization) to be able to take more money from the fans with further sequels. *'Proffesor Sprout' - Died after a cocaine overdose and for snorting mandrake nip (the dirty lesbian). *'Madame Hooch' - Tried to flee Hogwarts in a GTA-style escape, but her sense of direction was no longer what it once had been--due to being bashed in the head by bludgers for most of her career--and flew her broom into a wall.